My daughter is getting married on Saturday.
There are quite a few “little” things I notice I am anxious about, like will there be enough extension leads and will the flowers I cut on Thursday still look good on Saturday.
But I also noticed something much deeper going on. I have been divorced twice and although they were friendly and mature divorces and both men are among my best friends, there was definately some residual “stuff” to work on. So I did my tapping on self-worth and other issues and found myself releasing my inner fears about how long her marriage will last.
(For the record, from the outside, this couple is as rock solid as is possible to be and I have no “outer” reason for not believing it will go as well as any marriage can).
And yet last night, I had a nightmare.
That he would leave her, and all for a silly misunderstanding… it was truly awful. Her pain was indescribable…
Back to the inner work.
In my morning meditation (a time in which I always do the bulk of my tapping) I unearthed a deep, horrible memory.
Not of something that had “been done” to me, making me the victim, but something I had done to my daughters when they were very little, making me the perpetrator. Much harder to bear.
And yet in all the work I do, it is when people take responsibility for their own behaviour, actions, judgements and beliefs, that the “real” work happens. Typically, we need to go through the “poor me” stuff first. That’s OK.
But when we get to the guilt and shame and ackowledge and seek forgiveness – that is when mountains move and fortresses come tumbling down.
So this morning I went back to that time (it is hard to acknowledge it publicly) when I first shouted at my daughters in such a way that time stood still. I could tell, in that moment, that I had done deep damage. The room went cold, their little bodies froze with shock and all was quiet.
Oh my God. I had done enough inner work to know that this was not OK, but it was as if all my good intentions to never lay “stuff” on my children had gone awol. It was as if the damn had burst. No wonder they froze.
Of course, I did my best to make it better. And over the years I did my best to explain that if Mummy “lost it”, it was my fault and not theirs. I apologised without trying to put them in a position of having to forgive me. I took ownership and I do think they both heard that.
And yet here was that memory, revealing itself clear as the moment it happened, coming up after this nightmare that H would be abandoned… mmm… bit of a link there…
I did the work.
I went back and did a Matrix Re-Imprinting for myself in that moment. I allowed myself to fully feel the shame and take responsibility for it. All sorts of characters came to help, including the Archangel MichaeI and lots of cherubs. I used tapping and Ho’oponopono and all the deep ways I know and trust.
We ended up with the most beautiful scene of me lying on my back with my girls on my chest, all feeling safe and loved and serene.
Do I believe this is a gift for H on the eve of her wedding?
Absolutely. When I let go of my shame, when her inner self has fully received the learning that it was nothing to do with her, then her soul definately knows that.
I have heard of so many “miracles” after doing deep work like this. The healing doesn’t just happen for the person “doing” the work. Without a shadow of a doubt it affects the other person (or people) too. So often the estranged and rejected party will phone up out of the blue, or a family visit happens with no harsh words or blame or suddenly relationships within a family have just got so much better.
I don’t often write about the sort of work I do with one to one clients. So much of my passion is to support you to do the work for yourself.
But these memories are deep. Shame is shameless…
Shame is shameless in its ability to lurk under the deepest, furthest away stone. Sometimes it’s really worth reaching out for support. If this has stirred anything in you, please feel free to email me.
It is worth looking at shame. Not just for you but for everyone, for the planet. It’s that big. Let’s do it.